Stuff happens and we make mistakes. Most of us high achievers are very hard on ourselves. How could that happen? What was I thinking?  Damn, I screwed up, now what?  What if I never get another chance?  And the list of self-criticism goes on….

We’re actually seeing a variation of this play out in real time with the recent Presidential debates. Sometimes our performance is less than we (and others) might have hoped for. Perhaps we weren’t prepared or on the other extreme, we over-prepped and couldn’t find a coherent through-line.

We have bad days and we have good days, but somehow our faults loom much larger in our minds. This is because our natural negativity bias causes us to focus more on failure than success. Unless we become more consciously aware of our tendency to assume the worst, we can easily fall into self-recrimination.

No mistakes, only learning opportunities!

Instead of focusing exclusively on what went wrong consider what contributed to something not going according to plan.  It’s can be helpful to review what happened and assess.

• What outcome did you want?
• What could you have done differently?
• Was there something you missed?
• How can you crystalize the lesson and insight?
• How might you approach things differently in the future?

Now I’m not going to diminish the pain of not having, achieving or being something that you wanted or that was important to you.  Those third place Olympians may find little consolation in not being in the top center of the podium. Bronze may seem less shiny than gold, and yet, they made it to the top after all, so we have to put things in perspective.

We put so much pressure on ourselves (personally, professionally, organizationally) to get things right. We feel a need to be perfect. To win at all costs. This single-minded focus can cause us to miss the forest for the trees.  We fixate so much on the outcome that we don’t appreciate the journey.  We can miss the wisdom that comes from learning which can help us make different choices in the future.

What story do you tell yourself?

It can be helpful to review how you choose to interpret your experiences.  Are you always finding doom and gloom or regret (your thinking)?  How do you react (your behaviors)? Whare are your feelings (your emotions)?  Keep in mind what was your overall goal in first approaching your situation (your intention)?  Our experiences are largely a function of how all these variables interact.

You always have a choice to flip the script and turn a negative situation into a learning opportunity.  Here’s how.

INTERPRETATION = LEARNING => POSITIVE LESSON

So here might be how you usually react.

• Judgement = Criticism => Constriction
• Failure = Withdrawal => Suffering

Instead, can you pause at the outset and notice how you actually feel. Acknowledge whatever pain, sadness, disappointment, concern or other challenging emotion arises.  Then objectively reflect on what happened. This is not a case of blaming or finding fault with yourself, but rather of honestly looking at what may have contributed to the outcome that occurred.

Sometimes we might discover that we had more control than we realized.  Or that we were missing critical information that could have helped us do better. So seeing what was within our control (to ask for more background) vs. outside of our control (hidden information) can be useful. Only when we step back can we realize that perhaps other options were available to us. We don’t know what we don’t know until we know more.

Previously I’ve mentioned our natural reactions to challenges are to run away (flee), get stuck (freeze), attack others (fight, get defensive, blame) or compromise yourself and make excuses (fawn).  The other choice is to feel, deal and flow.  To see what really happened, then decide how to manage things differently in the future so you can move forward.

WE MAKE THE MEANING

Our interpretation of our experience will determine our future trajectory. If we’ve had a setback and don’t work through what happened and why or how to avoid similar situations in the future, we are doing ourselves a disservice.  There is always an opportunity to learn and know more.  To make smarter more intentional choices in the future.

It’s true, elections and the Olympics come around once every four years.  And for some athletes when that window closes, it can’t be re-opened. But perhaps another door will be. We often have more opportunities to face challenges and change our responses than we realize.

So the next time something doesn’t go down the way you hoped, how will you react, interpret and prepare for your next time at bat?  Can you rewind, re-write or reimagine what is possible for you from a place of grace, caring and compassion?  To see an even better opportunity coming up in the future.

The more you can translate your challenges into transformation, the more empowered you will feel. Let me help you.  Sometimes we’re too close to our experience to get perspective.  I regularly support clients to reinterpret their past to create a more meaningful future based on powerful possibilities. Let’s connect to explore what is possible for you.  Setup a Discovery Call and we’ll find out together.